Monday, July 13, 2009

Frightening News: It Could Happen to You!

Woman Goes Completely Insane from Allergy to Home and Family

(AP) NIPOMO, CA Authorities in California have confirmed that a long time Nipomo resident has gone completely out of her mind due to prolonged exposure to her own residence and to members of her immediate family. Their investigation is ongoing. Here is what is known:

The insanity began when a number of illnesses invaded the home: chicken pox and a virus to one child, as well as a viral flu to her husband and a case of shingles to her father. One dog had fleas and one cat had a nasty cough. Apparently, close proximity to these individuals and dutiful cleaning up of vomit, snot, hairballs, and other disgusting things led to the slow but certain demise of the victim, age 40 going on 70.

Her symptoms became manifest after family members noticed that the spices were alphabetized, the house was clean, and no cobwebs hung from the chandelier, clearly a sign of an impending breakdown. She apparently began speaking randomly of royalty, specifically a “King Julian” and started referring to family members as Skipper, Rico, Private and Kowalski. She banged her head against the wall and yelled “I am an otter failure”.

She was checking her email obsessively, apparently hungry, because she kept repeating “I’d even take some Spam”. She was also heard having long, involved conversations with her cat regarding his unethical and inhumane practice of catching birds.

Oscar nominated actor Viggo Mortensen confirmed the diagnosis when he visited, with the intention of stealing her away. “I promised to take her out of her sad, Cinderella life, and offered her my undying love. See, I have a thing for flabby arms and double chins,” he admitted. She offered a number of reasons she couldn’t possibly leave with him, most disturbingly her quote “I just want to walk around Target for an hour!”

Neighbors report her being especially interested in conversation with them, inquiring about their day, their health, their pet’s health, the health of their pet’s ancestors, even asking one neighbor to name all the dogs he’s ever had. Another neighbor, borrowing a cup of sugar, was held hostage for hours by said crazy woman, who riddled her with questions regarding whether or not the 101 freeway still went both directions, if McDonald’s still made French fries, and if there was any news in the world besides the death of Michael Jackson.

When the police checked in on her, she mentioned that she knew much of “the force” by listing the names of various officers in Fresno, Dallas, Miami, and Las Vegas due to her diligent watching of COPS. Lack of reading material had taken a toll on her, as she informed officers that if you read a back issue of Time backwards, it becomes People magazine.

Authorities are unclear at this point how to handle the situation. One local doctor suggested a forced visit to a major mall that featured a Starbucks, a movie theatre, a bookstore and a Nordstrom’s could in fact reverse her symptoms. We will keep you updated as developments occur.

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